The Chris Townsend Show

Cooley's Contemplationsby Scott Cooley, posted on Thu, Aug. 14, 2008

Barely Bearing Beijing

I hope I am not exiled to the Arctic region of Siberia for saying this, but I am relieved the Olympics only infest our country once every four years.

Or once every two years if you’re counting the Winter “Games” but it doesn’t seem like anyone gets nearly as amped up for those as they do for the Summer. And I put games in quotes because I consider a game an event where TEAMS are competing against each other and most competitions during this portion of the Olympiad are individual trials.

Yes, I understand there is a feel-good, RAH! RAH! RAH! mentality to get behind your country, but I’ve been alive and breathing for seven Summer Olympic proceedings in my 26 years and can’t seem to catch the fever.

There are a myriad of sports that occur every weekend where we Americans can get behind our countrymen, and women. A PGA tournament field is littered with players foreign to the USA, and if Tiger isn’t playing we may not see an American crack the top 10. Many days we are rooting for Andy Roddick to make it past the first round of a tennis tourney packed with superstars from Spain, Switzerland, Serbia and more.

So if it’s the red, white and blue gung-ho thrill that you seek, look no further than these two respectable sports that showcase a calendar full of events.

Seriously, other than the Olympics, when would you ever tune in to watch a swim meet or a badminton match? I’ve never seen Michael Phelps on TV outside of when he’s paddling for a gold medal.

I bet you haven’t even heard of some of these sports. Rhythmic gymnastics? Modern pentathlon (which somehow involves racing horses)? Canoeing and Kayaking are great outdoor adventures, but Olympic competitions? They even give out gold, silver and bronze for trampoline! You have got to be kidding me…my little niece can jump up and down on a trampoline!

The men’s basketball Redeem Team is about the only thing worth watching. I have to admit is it pretty sweet to see all of the elite basketball players from the NBA on the same squad, and actually caring for the first time in a few Olympic outings. And I love the sport of baseball and would definitely sit down to catch a game but I have never, ever seen an Olympic baseball game broadcast on television.

Another thing that perturbs me about this year’s Olympics is that they advertise it to be LIVE to the viewing audiences. Yea it’s live alright, if you live in the eastern or central time zones!

I am sitting there flipping through my sports channels until I land on ESPN, and John Anderson delivers the breaking news that the underwater freak just won his fifth gold medal in whatever. Perfect, now I don’t have to stay up until midnight to see him break yet another world record because I already know the outcome.

And speaking of Phelps, I would like to point out that he isn’t even the fastest swimmer in the world, as most of the public thinks he is. Phelps doesn’t even swin in the 100-meter Freestyle race, which was won by some Frenchman named Bernard, because he isn’t fast enough to compete in short distances.

To me, and I would have to defer back to the Playground Rulebook, a race is a dead sprint to the end. Not there and back, there and back, there and back and there and back, compiling 200 meters or more. I would like to see a 50-meter race. Just an all out, balls-to-the-wall race to the other end of the pool. That’s how we use to do it back in the day anyway.

Well, if the government doesn’t come during the night to take me away and put me in an asylum for blasting the beloved Olympics, I am sure I will be up waiting to watch the women’s gymnastics All-Around competition tonight because the wife has already reminded it on the guide.

I might just have to roll over and rest the eyelids because I will already know who won.